After our first forays together into this world of submission and Dominance, I began to feel a little ill at ease with how much of myself I would have to give up in order to be ‘a sub’. I loved the idea of answering to someone, of being someone’s, but the experiences I had had so far, however freeing on one level, also began to make me feel a little caged in.
It occurred to me that the classic idea of a submissive i.e at her masters feet, was fine for occasions, and in fact the further down the line we get, the more I willingly need to do this.,. but in those first couple of weeks it was too much commanded loyalty for my previously independent mind to cope with. I had genuinely believed it was what I wanted, and it was in no way him pushing me into it. I had enjoyed being a submissive to him, but now I began to think ‘where was the middle ground?’
I am a mother.
I am a nurturer by nature…I need to protect and look after and care for and love and adore the man I am with, and despite having never been able to entirely fulfill these needs with previous lovers, the desire to do all these things and more with Mr A was overwhelming me and I could see in him, even if he couldn’t see it himself, that he needed more than to solely dominate me and be ‘Master’. He needed taking care of – not by his sub from her knees, but by the woman who could stand side by side with him and take on life’s ups and downs with him, and perhaps even for him, however briefly, if things got too much.
I knew that spanking was a release for us both, but sometimes you need more than that kind of violent physical escape.
As any mother or woman knows, (and men too if they allow themselves to acknowledge it) nothing says more than a gentle touch – a hug, a stroke, a kiss on the forehead – and as his submissive, I didn’t know how these gentler, caring actions would come across to him as my Dom. In my mind, such affections were reserved for ‘vanilla’ relationships…
but they were things I so craved to do for him and with him.
One evening I got my opportunity to lay out these new options. I didn’t demand it, or even ask for it…I simply sat on the sofa and whether he knew what I was hoping for or not, he lay his head down on my lap without question and I stroked his hair for the first time. I loved it; being given the opportunity to just chat openly with him as myself as opposed to sub, and being able to express my natural caring nature with him.
I still didn’t know whether he was being a Dominant accepting the loving caresses of his submissive, or if he was simply a man enjoying the touch of a woman, and that unsettled me.
On the start of this journey, I found that I never felt his equal when I reverted to sub – I loved her, and I enjoyed her personality, but I still didn’t know how to be with him as her, except in a sexual way, when the animal within just took over and there was no gender/equality politics warring on in my mind. After years of game playing with men, I couldn’t handle more of the same – hiding my feeling, keeping myself at a distance emotionally for fear of being hurt…again!
So sub opened up a side of myself which I had locked down long ago.
My vulnerable side, which needed protecting, but to start with this made me feel off balance and utterly raw and unprotected. He could hurt me. But for all this intense vulnerability, she made me realise that I needed someone I could entirely be myself with…the good, the sub and the slutty; and how could I expect anyone to love all of me if I only showed them the well battered front cover?
We opened up to each other that night in a totally innocent, ‘normal’ way – just talking about ourselves and our families, all while he lay there, and a briefly and happily forgot about the situation. He was, to me, just a devastatingly handsome man taking an interest in me, but still, whose desire to be with me I couldn’t quite understand. (Years of negative relationships had led me to believe that I was never quite good enough. I see now in hindsight that with my dormant, but very much real, submissive tendencies, I was trained repeatedly, in a variety of damaging, devastating and confusing ways, to believe that I was not worthy of true and complete acceptance, real love, honesty, loyalty or respect. Only now am I seeing how wrong those men were.)
We touched on the prospect of venturing beyond the s/D only lifestyle which we had started out on.
I took a breath and felt a new chapter starting.