The First Time III – Non Vanilla.

The First Time III – Non Vanilla.

Sound and sight deprivation.

These appeal to me because I can lose myself entirely..that phrase makes so much sense to me when I put it into this context.  I do not find myself sexual, sexy or remotely attractive.  I am ‘with’ myself morning noon and night.  I see myself first thing in the morning and last thing at night;  I know what I look like when I have taken out my victory rolls after an evening of being a vintage burlesque queen and my back combed hair is still hairsprayed in all directions; I see my tomato red face after an evening spent choreographing my latest show and know how badly I need a shower after it too!!  I am not sexy.  Humans are not designed to be sexy…we are animals…designed for baser things than nail varnish and the latest celebrity scent.  We are made to instinctively and primally connect with another through scent, hormones, chemistry.  This is sexy…humans who can learn to fuck like animals, without a care, and let go of social and media crap fed to us that we must look a certain way or do certain things to be good lovers are the luckiest people I know.

I can’t do this..I am too aware of myself, my flaws, my unease, my vulnerabilities, my past hurts and my ingrained, feminine need to be ‘perfect’. 

Sub on the other hand has none of these issues.  She is a part of me.  One which does not need human requirements…she simply exists pristinely and beautifully in my psyche, usually residing on a pink chaise longe or in her cage, depending on mine or Dom’s mood until she is called upon to come to the fore, at which point in time I put ‘Me’ to bed (literally…i tuck her up in my head and let her rest) allowing sub full access to whatever she needs to be fulfilled and to satisfy my submissive tendencies.

So losing myself is almost a literal (if internal) happening for me, which is only enhanced by deprivation of my senses.  Its a known fact that if you lose one sense then another gets stronger to help make up for it…so I thought losing two might make it even more exciting.  Three, if you include the bound wrists meaning I couldn’t touch where i would usually like to touch on both myself and my Dom.

I could only be touched, moved, kissed, bitten, scratched, spanked, fucked and ultimately pleasured under his command and how he wanted me to be used.  

This was my first experience of non vanilla sex.  Being unable to not only not move myself was interesting, but to be unable to hear and react to instructions given, whilst simultaneously losing my spatial awareness due to the blindfold made for one exciting first time.

I could hear a muffled command from him whilst i lay immobile on my front across the bed, but without the ability to hear or move all i could do was await his hands on me, positioning me where I was needed.  Suddenly finding myself lifted clear off the bed and bent over it, legs apart, hands tied at the base of my spine and feeling him pushing into me slowly, nerves overreacting wildly to my sensory losses,

I gave myself up to the primal all-ness and nothing-ness and totally and utterly lost myself.  

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Peace…

Peace…

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“Take away my bad, punish my misdemeanors, clear my mind of guilt and remove the routine of life…if only for a short time.  Take my deepest desires; draw them out and twist them to fit you – leave me only with calm and peace.

Sometimes my mind wanders, sometimes I get lost, sometimes I look up and you have gone and I misplace my footing and fall.

Make me strong and build me up from within so that I can let go and freefall alone for a time, knowing I will land safely at your feet.”

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@truesubmissive

 

Sex.

Sex.

Like any couple starting out, I wondered when our first time would be.  With all the things I had experienced so far, I had hoped, ironically for a loving, tender moment. As much as I was reveling in my new sub position, my vanilla side was still there and wanted adoration which didn’t involved paddles and handcuffs on occasion as well.

I had great expectations.  It would be hideously romantic…sexy beyond belief and so so special we would have to release white doves after it to commemorate the union of our loins and souls.  Well…aside from the doves part and that cheesy bit after it, it was all those things, just in a very understated, unexpected way.

The night before it happened I had my first burlesque show, organized and choreographed by myself .  He came along and I couldn’t have been happier.

Whilst reading 50 Shades in hindsight, I empathise with Ana’s initial feelings of ‘how can one feel so strongly for someone who is practically a stranger?!’  If I hadn’t experienced exactly what she had as I read it, I would have laughed and thought how ridiculous.  One moment springs to mind when Christian drops her home and she realizes he is leaving and gets inexplicably emotional.  Now, at this point in our relationship it was a little early for such an extreme effect , (but it was scary how quickly sub came to depend on him) – but at this early stage, the developing sub feelings showed their existence by my always  being excited to see him – always so thrilled he was mine and how proud I felt to be his.  I completely understood – when you meet your Dom, it’s something chemical.

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Anyway, I digress.  Half way through the show I realized I wanted to jump into a man’s arms to finish off my frustrated housewife peel routine.  Andy was quickly, and happily employed for the job and in to his arms I leapt. I was ecstatic – I adored this man already.  This realization hit me as we stood there chatting quietly to the other girls before I went on to perform.  He was so kind, and gentlemanly and strong.  His presence overwhelmed me a bit and I just wanted to be away from everything and everyone, just being Us somewhere.   But I had a show to finish and afterwards we spent the evening together with friends and the audience, including my parents!  A little early for that kind of meeting but being so close to them and their being such a big part of my son’s life, it would have been harder to keep him away from them, so I went with the flow.   He chatted to them for a long while, and after such a big night, I found myself  sleepy and leant into his side with my head rested on his shoulder while he rocked me.

This had happened once before after a meal out and it was just the two of us having coffee outside after, wrapped up warm and chatting into the night.  He invited me to sit on his lap before gently holding my face and leading it to his shoulder where I wrapped my arms around his neck and he rocked me.  It took a moment to recognize how amazing it felt – I had never been protected in this way, beyond my own parents of course as a child, and it felt so good.  After a few moments, I recall sitting up and saying: “That could possibly be the nicest thing that has ever happened to me.”  I don’t know what it sparked in me, but it was so comforting – it was not sexual, there was no daddy-issue linked to it.  He just allowed me to lower my heavy duty protection shields and relax into him,

It felt like he was saying that he would take care of me. 

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And I once again found myself being gently rocked as I stood with him, chatting to my parents.  My head rested down, my eyes closed, he swayed me back and forth.  Despite my parents standing there, this man whom I had just met, who was so proud of me and my show, was looking after exhausted little me with such care and kindness.

Again, it felt so good, just to be allowed to let go, just for a moment. 

We carried on drinking with friends into the small hours of Thursday then wandered back to his house.  By this time, I was defintaely more than a little tipsy – he was too but was just better at hiding it.  One of my flaws when drunk is my desire for sex…even more so when my handsome, sexy, delicious, protective, gentlemanly Dom is laying right next to me.  But would he let me?  Or course not – it was good to know that he wasn’t a man who took advantage of a situation though.  I couldn’t have made it much clearer my intentions!  I felt the sexual tension and knew it was taking some effort on his part not to do what every ounce of my body was screaming for – but instead, he held me gently in his arms and I fell asleep.

We awoke early.  He had work and I was off on holiday with a friend for a few days, so the hangover was not welcome.  But that didn’t quell the same tension from the night before.  I knew what was coming, and I also knew that with the way I was feeling about him and the desire building by the second inside me, that it was inevitable regardless of how much as I didn’t want out first time to happen with a hangover.  I knew that I could not stand to wait another second, after everything I had learnt about him, from him, with him, over the past few weeks…

I wanted him. 

Not sub, although she was there too of course, but I wanted him. 

Little me.   

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We chatted for a while, before we could not ignore it a moment longer and he got a condom and scooped me up against him, my back to his front and our first time was no longer a mystery.  It was romantic, sexy and special – all the things I had wanted, minus the filmesque cheesiness and 80’s powerballads.  He changed throughout between being Dom to being himself.  The alcohol mixed with our lack of sleep plus a desire, which I believe was quietly growing within us both to explore beyond the s/D lifestyle we had started out on, meant our first time was filled, not with pure domination and submission (although there was plenty of that later), but instead gentleness and kisses, the odd delicious spank, a tug of the hair, and then slow building passion.

 It was perfect…and not a dove in sight!

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