Sub Without A Dom

Time away from a submissive lifestyle has been a journey of changes. Some habits which I built up during by D/s time have stuck around, some stayed for a while, some disappeared fairly rapidly.


Being submissive is far from my nature – whether that nature is from the lifestyle choices I have made, situations I have gone through in my life or a nature I was purely born with. I am independent, confident, sociable, dominant at times, occasionally bratty but also kind, loving, loyal, honest, thoughtful and respectful toward those who deserve it. Submissiveness does not actually feature in the run down of attributes I would describe myself with.


But that is because for me, it is a chosen attribute. Being a submissive is a place in my mind I like to go to. Some read, some drink, some go to the gym…i like to be bound and spanked, to write lines, be given instruction, serve my Dominant. It’s a choice. Unlike a submissive nature. I had to work, if you can call it that, with my Dom to achieve any real level of submissiveness, but I found that it came fairly naturally. It just took a few layers of hard and fast, unhealthy independence to break in to that part of myself.


But now, free of the Dominant power, I am free falling a bit, and not in a good way. Whilst in some ways the lack of threat to be paddled until red raw is quite freeing, I find I am missing that boundary. As much as I loved to hate that pain and the threat that it could happen if I misbehaved, I now find myself wishing that I had those limits still in place. I can only assume that I liked how having the paddle at the back of my mind allowed me to stay and wallow in the submissive mindset. If I overstepped the mark with a cheeky response, a bratty remark, an overly dominant action…I could almost sense the scratch on that tally at the end of which that paddle would be appearing and I’d find myself straddled and bound to the chair awaiting my fate.


I don’t want to retreat back to my old habits. Submission changed me only for the good. It saved me from a persona that I disliked as I built a hardened wall around to protect myself. I disliked myself, I disliked what and who I had become and how could anyone love someone who didn’t even like themselves? Having a Dominant opened my eyes to being gentle, and respectful, and calm, and peaceful…and whilst I can’t promise I was always all those things…I loved that I could be those things if I chose. Sub became as real a person as the independent woman I had been before. I liked sub…I liked me…at last…I was a person I liked and it made me realise I was lovable and deserved so much more than I had had before.


Now, though, without a Dominant to remind me of my sub everyday, I can of course still be respectful, gentle, calm. I am as much in control of how I act now as I was then…but without someone who fully understands or appreciates how far I have come to get to this point, and why being those things is so important and therapeutic to me, it is hard to keep it up I have found. Habit lasts – but only for so long if left unchecked. And now the habit is slipping as I find myself able to get away with remarks and comments which would have been deemed a step too far with my Dominant.


Why I do it I don’t know. I suppose I can only blame a lack of external, Dominant control for so long. I suppose I just want sub to be appreciated – I want to be cheeky and overstep boundaries and press those buttons again – but instead of being met with a look which makes my heart stop, they are met with a laugh or nothing…so I push more buttons, I say something brattier and cheekier…ever trying to get the reaction I know isn’t coming.

I don’t like it. I can’t stop it.

9 thoughts on “Sub Without A Dom

  1. phoenixasubbie says:

    I totally understand. I push and push sometimes and most men won’t push back much less put me in my place.
    Hate it.

    1. damagedprincess says:

      Thanks for that – yes it’s funny isn’t it how you know you shouldn’t but yet still revert back to the Brat habit of pushing boundaries on the off chance a Dom will appear as if from no where!x

    2. joes sub says:

      I was just rejected by email. My heart is broken
      Hes threatening to call police. Says im stalking him. I cant tell the difference between begging and if hes really gone. I thought i was being punished. But hes really gone. Im scared and sad

      1. Blogs By Me 2016 says:

        Give yourself 24 hours of alone time. See how you feel tomorrow. Take it one day at a time. If he left leaving you questioning the situation then he cannot have been good for you – a Dominant coming from love would not do that I don’t believe. If you want you can join my private tribe for submissiveness for support – Facebook search Life and fantasies if a true submissive and add yourself there then comment on the top post about joint the secret tribe x

  2. daddyslittlehmongslut says:

    This situation you’re in right now is something I had to deal with for a really long time before I found out I was a natural sub. Always pushing to see my limits. Always wanting that manly dominant to put me in my place. Secretly and in embarrassment, I hid my little. Which is harder for me. I mean I wasn’t looking to be chained or whipped. Daddy still hasn’t punished me yet >:) but it’s that dynamic of a Dom that I was looking for. My ex husband was a dominant character but towards me, He was neglectful. Didn’t care what I did or who I was with didn’t care if I was in a bad situation. It was really lonely. And later on, he left me. But even after he left, I was still looking for that Dom in my life. I just didn’t know it yet. When Daddy found me, I wasn’t even looking for a Daddy. As a matter of fact I was looking for a unfeeling hookup with a girl. Lol I wasn’t into men at the moment seeing as my husband had left me and I’ve never been able to count on men my entire life. But He showed me that I could indeed release my little. That it was a beautiful and perfect thing that I was a little and natural submissive. I was literally bred a submissive growing up in the traditional patriarchal family I had. And embracing my subbie little self… Well it’s been a blessing. Now no matter what happens in my future with Daddy and my sweet alpha, I know it’s okay for me to be who I am 🙂 hope you find your Dom soon 🙂

  3. Shay says:

    I understand where you are coming from. I hope you have found someone to fill that void for you. I lived as a submissive for a while but the relationship eventually broke off. Now it’s years later and I’m married to an amazing man. There is just one problem that has recently began clawing it’s way into our marriage. He isn’t a Dom. This craving is getting worse and worse and I’m really struggling with it. If you have found any way to cope without it I would really appreciate the advice. Thanks

    1. The True Submissive says:

      Hi my lovely, it’s an odd one but I became a christian at the end of last year, very out of the blue and totally unexpectedly has a real light bolt AHA moment and in all honesty, feeling able to totally 100% submit and humble my self to God is incredible…better than ever submitting to any human being. I know that might sound crazy…but it’s been a real eye opener and I wonder if it’s something submissives are looking for in general…we can never be completely fulfilled by a human…

      I really hope you can find peace in your life 🙂 My hubby is not Dom and I don’t see him as one but THIS has filled that so much for me that I don’t even miss it because I feel more submissive than ever before – just to the Father instead of to a man xx

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