Time away from a submissive lifestyle has been a journey of changes. Some habits which I built up during by D/s time have stuck around, some stayed for a while, some disappeared fairly rapidly.
Being submissive is far from my nature – whether that nature is from the lifestyle choices I have made, situations I have gone through in my life or a nature I was purely born with. I am independent, confident, sociable, dominant at times, occasionally bratty but also kind, loving, loyal, honest, thoughtful and respectful toward those who deserve it. Submissiveness does not actually feature in the run down of attributes I would describe myself with.
But that is because for me, it is a chosen attribute. Being a submissive is a place in my mind I like to go to. Some read, some drink, some go to the gym…i like to be bound and spanked, to write lines, be given instruction, serve my Dominant. It’s a choice. Unlike a submissive nature. I had to work, if you can call it that, with my Dom to achieve any real level of submissiveness, but I found that it came fairly naturally. It just took a few layers of hard and fast, unhealthy independence to break in to that part of myself.
But now, free of the Dominant power, I am free falling a bit, and not in a good way. Whilst in some ways the lack of threat to be paddled until red raw is quite freeing, I find I am missing that boundary. As much as I loved to hate that pain and the threat that it could happen if I misbehaved, I now find myself wishing that I had those limits still in place. I can only assume that I liked how having the paddle at the back of my mind allowed me to stay and wallow in the submissive mindset. If I overstepped the mark with a cheeky response, a bratty remark, an overly dominant action…I could almost sense the scratch on that tally at the end of which that paddle would be appearing and I’d find myself straddled and bound to the chair awaiting my fate.
I don’t want to retreat back to my old habits. Submission changed me only for the good. It saved me from a persona that I disliked as I built a hardened wall around to protect myself. I disliked myself, I disliked what and who I had become and how could anyone love someone who didn’t even like themselves? Having a Dominant opened my eyes to being gentle, and respectful, and calm, and peaceful…and whilst I can’t promise I was always all those things…I loved that I could be those things if I chose. Sub became as real a person as the independent woman I had been before. I liked sub…I liked me…at last…I was a person I liked and it made me realise I was lovable and deserved so much more than I had had before.
Now, though, without a Dominant to remind me of my sub everyday, I can of course still be respectful, gentle, calm. I am as much in control of how I act now as I was then…but without someone who fully understands or appreciates how far I have come to get to this point, and why being those things is so important and therapeutic to me, it is hard to keep it up I have found. Habit lasts – but only for so long if left unchecked. And now the habit is slipping as I find myself able to get away with remarks and comments which would have been deemed a step too far with my Dominant.
Why I do it I don’t know. I suppose I can only blame a lack of external, Dominant control for so long. I suppose I just want sub to be appreciated – I want to be cheeky and overstep boundaries and press those buttons again – but instead of being met with a look which makes my heart stop, they are met with a laugh or nothing…so I push more buttons, I say something brattier and cheekier…ever trying to get the reaction I know isn’t coming.
I don’t like it. I can’t stop it.