I lie there, thinking about not thinking about him.
I change positions, I turn the pillow, I get up for a glass of water and then try again.
I think desperately of nothing… yet in all that nothingness comes nothing but him.
The way he would look at me. The way he would hold me. The way he would punish me then love me.
It was everything. He was everything.
Now it’s nothing. Cut off at the quick – no where for the special, completely unique, unfullfilable, unending love to go.
It just sits in my heart waiting to be brought back to life – but nothing can resuscitate it now.
Except the one thing it needs – and can never have.
And so I lie there and think of nothing, but Him.