It’s Palpable…this need in me.

It’s Palpable…this need in me.

It’s palpable…this need in me.

I feel it streak my chest – zig zag through my heart,

Through my stomach…those butterflies…they live on.

They have been active these past few days…

Every so often relieving themselves of their self imposed chrysalis of self preservation…

Awakening when You come alive in my mind uninvited.

It is you who streaks through my chest…through my heart….through my stomach

Just as you did, just as you have always done and just as you always will.

—-

The physical presence may not be felt anymore, but the feelings, the memories, the need is as alive as ever was.

There is nothing can be done about that…I have tried.  I cast you aside in my mind, but you are bigger than my mind can manage now – I cannot contain you or cordon you off as I once could.

And so I sit with the feelings; the pain, the lust, the pleasure, the need, the wanting, the aching, the masochistic desire to feel it all despite knowing it cannot be mine, or real.  Why?

The question will hang over me for the rest of my time on this earth…something so perfect.  Something so unending…something so much bigger than us both, must remain hidden away, a dirty secret only we know.  The Master and submissive of our own destiny now…but yet my obedient heart longs still for what it had.

The mind can only keep control for so long before the heart will swallow it whole and drown me once again in the past.

That is where you will find me Sir, until the tide of You once again retreats when I will be left to be comforted by another, for reasons he cannot ever understand.

And so the cycle will continue.

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9 thoughts on “It’s Palpable…this need in me.

  1. I never knew what was missing in my life until I was 40. I met someone who sensed and knew what I needed. He awakened the sub in me and helped it grow and then he did the cruelest thing. He would not claim me as his sub. He opened my eyes, stole my heart and threw me away. No one knows what I need, except me. How do you explain it to someone without having them judge you and consider you warped, twisted, deviant? I feel so empty inside and I have no idea how to fix me again.

    1. Oh Nikki – I’m so sorry to hear your words. try and find strength though because it’s a wonderful thing to have been able to find this new part of You…whether he is around to enjoy the ride or not! Think how strong sub is! What she can endure…what she chooses to do and be…don’t think that the strength you have as submissive comes from him, because it doesn’t…it comes from with you. He has given you a great blessing by opening you up to this side of yourself…and now the best thing is you get to love and protect your little inner sub for the rest of your life with or without a dominant around. of course it’s wonderful to have that part of you nurtured and loved…and if that’s what you need then that is what you will find. But you need to keep your energy positive and vibrant…a good dominant, as in a positive role model dominant, won’t be drawn to a broken submissive. Only a negative energy sucking dominant who is in it for the power trip and for his own ends will be drawn to a vulnerable broken sub.

      So get comfy as You…draw strength from her. Develop her in your own mind, without a Dominant, so that when you find someone, you won’t just be with the first dominant male who comes along…you will truely know what you need from them, and not just be with them out of sheer desperation and need.

      Read this blog…https://thetruediaryofasubmissive.com/2015/01/14/one-and-the-same/
      See the strength I take from mine? She is MY little girl first and foremost…and no dominant, however strong and positive and wonderful can take that responsibility i have toward her away from me. I can choose to allow him to play with my sub…but she will always be mine to take care of…so you must find a way to gain inner strength from and with her…not just allow her to be needy and desperate and therefore at risk of being taken advantage of my any man who comes along saying he is a Dominant.
      If you have any questions…email me any time
      xx

      Develop her

      1. How confident you are. I spent 14 years in a marriage with a person who was so domineering that I forgot who I was as a person. My only Dom was younger than me and encouraged me to think more of myself. He told me that my ex’s loss was his gain. I remember something he said to me once and I still don’t understand what he meant. He said, “I want to destroy something beautiful.” I’m not sure why he said it, but he always made me feel safe when we were together, he cuddled me after our play time. We spent a night drinking with a friend and I drank too much and got very sick. He came in and held my hair away from my face so it would get anything on it. He brought me water and bread. I couldn’t find the bread, but I found the water and he told me not to sip, but to gulp it. I did as he said and I got sick again. I couldn’t stand on my own, he stood me up and walked me to the bedroom. I remember that entire episode, until I passed out on the bed. I kept trying to hold onto an imaginary wall. He said, “Jynx, there is no wall there.” I guess I didn’t believe him because I kept trying to hold onto it. He got me to the bed and asked me if I could make it to the bed. I said yes and missed the bed by about 2 feet. I heard him sigh. He stood me up and walked me closer to the bed and laid me down, kissed me on the head and that is all I remember until I woke up the next morning. He was always so considerate. The last time I saw him, he was so patient, kind and we had a nice play time. He shaved me to his liking. These are the things I miss. I crave this almost more than the air I breathe. The two sides of me co-exist. My sub had taken over until a few months ago when I started feeling like the me I was before I was married. Now my sub feels lost and lonely. How do I fix that? This emptiness is sadness multiplied.

  2. I rememeber this feeling so well…and i have to be honest. There is no quick fix..it’s like a part of you has been split open and a new you is emerging…now the tear where she appeared has to heal and that is the pain you are currently feeling. It took me about a year to start feeling ‘normal’ more often than yearning and broken. i assimilated myself with this pain more than with my normal self. It almost felt good in a way to be in this pain…i am after all a masochist. But after a while, it just became less intnese…it would spark up every now and again, if i heard from him, or thought about him too much and then i would blog (and those moments were the inspiration for most of the lastest blogs on here…the yearning sad desperate blogs). It will fade…but you have to let it takes its course. Feel the pain…then give yourself space away from the pain with a distraction. Write about what you feel, scream about what you feel, cry about what you feel…but it is all part of the rich tapestry of human and submissive emotion. That fact that you can feel this intensely bad means that at some point you felt this intensely good…and that is such a blessing for anyone. most of us go through our lives feeling bland nothingness or tired, or bored or unfulfilled…you can only feel one extreme emotion if you have experienced the other…you and i and all the other submissives out there who have felt this and are feeling this pain are the lucky ones really…and you will never again have a bland relationship! You wont be able to stand never experiencing this type of love again…so even if you end up with someone non domiant (as i have) you will be drawn to a natural alpha as mind is, and you can allow him to learn what you need…equally, you may find your perfect dominant male and this previous dominant was merely the introduction you needed to allow you to step fully into the next relationship.

    I know it feels horrendous…my God…I really do…i’m now thinking about it and rememebering it…but it does get better. You will feel normal again…and happy. Just take every day as it comes…release and vent and then move on from that to something which makes you happy. And the next time you feel sadness and pain, release and vent again…and then move on and do something which makes you happy. And continue this cycle…Don’t now go off with the first dominant you meet…don’t be with someone for the sake of it and as a distraction as you are too vulnerable right now and this was the mstake i made (You are probably more vulnerable that you have ever been in your life and predator males will take advantage, even if they don’t realise that is what they are doing…many predators will be just drawn to your sad broken energy)…just focus on you now. You have given your soul to the wrong man in your marriage…and now you have had someone show you how special you truely are…he was brought to you to allow you to remember that you are special and perfect and beautiful…and since he wanted to ‘break something beautiful’ then it’s probably for the best he left you as that doesn’t sound quite normal really! So rememeber how he made you feel when you felt good – that is his gift to you for the rest of your life – and not this pain now. This pain is a sad aftermath of one of the greatest types of relationships you’ll ever experience.
    xxx

    1. Until I read your blog I never realized just why I was feeling the way I had. It’s been 4 years since Serana and I saw each other. He would call me whenever he wanted to verbally fuck me. I lived for those calls or he would text me stories of what he would like to do to me the next time we see each other. I lived for those texts. I finally decided that I needed to make a clean break from him. I couldn’t handle being only an option to him anymore. I removed him from my facebook, I deleted all of those texts, I got rid of presents he had sent me before his last visit and I deleted his phone number. I regret getting rid of the presents, I can replace them myself though. I still think about him and worry about him. He has ptsd and sometimes the depression gets to be too much for him. Those were the times he wanted to have me in bed with him. When the drugs and alcohol didn’t work I was his go to. I miss him because he was a gentle lover, but he also had a side to him that was a beast when he let it loose. Does the missing ever end? In my head I can see my sub curled up in a little ball hugging herself. I want to comfort her, but I’m not sure how. Tonight she feels closer to the surface than she has in a while. I don’t want her to be alone.

      1. Hi Nikki – sorry I missed this comment.

        We are worth more than being an idle distraction at the hands of an aggressor.

        Use the strong pride we have as submissives and stride onwards mentally, emotionally and physically leaving him further behind with each step you take and each day that passes.

        Only then can you be truly strong.

        As yourself without him.
        There is a difference between a Dominant and a bully and when you find true dominance you will know it

        Xx

  3. This hit home . I was just freed. The reasoning was my own doing. I faced the consequences . But never the less I’m empty. Lost. I feel like I have no purpose. I am an extremely strong woman in every aspect of my life but this I fell so weak. When I do sleep I wake up crying. I can’t even function . Thank you for this.

    1. Hi Rebeccca

      I’m sorry to hear your sadness, but well done for being strong and leaving something which was obviously no longer right for you (which is what I take from your message). I too had to make this type of decision, and it made it no less painful to rip myself away from the man who felt (at the time) was my be-all-and-end-all…he wasn’t and isn’t, and neither is yours, but feel the pain. Don’t push it away…but intersperse this feeling and releasing of the pain with joy and happiness with friends and family and surrounding yourself with love.

      Have you seen my new blog basically on this topic?
      https://thetruediaryofasubmissive.com/2015/10/04/for-my-fellow-subs-dont-be-afraid-to-be-strong/
      xx

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